The Myth of Self-Esteem
I am going to attempt to take a complicated concept, a movement, an ideology from child psychologists, and address it biblically with regards to rearing children. First, a little history of the self-esteem movement: it began in the 1970’s and was based on the belief that many Americans, “suffered from an epidemic of low self-esteem.” The idea of raising one’s self-esteem was seen as a silver bullet that could cure many ills: crime, drug abuse, school underachievement, and so forth. Dr. Roy Baumeister who once was a believer in the self-esteem movement, has declared, “That there is no concrete scientific study that proves a direct link between increased self-esteem and academic achievement, improved social relationships, decreased aggression, drug use, or decreased stress.” Furthermore, he states, “That the self-esteem movement has backfired and has contributed to some of the very problems it was thought to thwart.” Studies show that by artificially increasing self-esteem, we may be harming academic performance in students. Yet, this child-rearing philosophy has permeated the belief that ‘good’ parents do everything they can to ensure their children acquire it. This thinking has invaded our Christian community as well.
Let’s unpack this a little. First, let’s see it through the context of school-life; second, let’s challenge our thinking about building self-esteem in our children; and third, let’s address how to gain a proper view of self that is based on God’s Word.
I’m sure you’re aware of the trend of inflating grades to help students gain a high sense of self. Not only is inflating grades a channel through which to falsely raise a child’s view of his academic performance (and thus raise a false sense of self and abilities), but it is manipulative and dishonest. Telling parents something about their child that is untrue is detrimental to both the parent and student. It is not forthright, nor is it helpful. However, recognizing strengths and weaknesses in children is wise. Pointing to strengths as God-given is recognizing the Giver of the natural skill, talent, or ability. Teaching children to steward those gifts well is important. On the other hand, overcoming challenges and weaknesses give us opportunities to help children develop a strong work ethic, build the muscle of perseverance, and exercise self-control. More importantly, these situations and struggles allow the Lord to work in your child’s heart - to see the need for a Savior.
As the Baby Boomer generation was reared, and prior to the ‘psycho-babble’ as John Rosemond calls it, the Bible was our due-north for rearing children. Rather than refusing the advice of child psychologists who were strong advocates of the self-esteem movement and the idea of “blessed are those who think highly of themselves,” we have succumbed to the untruth that has plagued children, schools, and the workplace. Sadly, we have fallen prey to their secular thinking and the misunderstanding of how to properly view Scripture when it comes to the idea of self-esteem.
Everyone gets a trophy. What incentive does this promote in working harder, exercising more muscle, developing the character of tenacity and perseverance, or learning how to deal with defeat? In our desire to take all the pain, sadness, and disappointment out of children’s lives, we are robbing children of exercising these muscles that develop them into more well-rounded individuals for God’s glory. Martin Seligman says, “Trying to shield children from feelings of sadness and frustration when they fail robs them of the motivation to persist in difficult tasks until they succeed.” Disappointment is difficult, but it is a good character builder. Additionally, if a C is the result of the best one can achieve in a certain subject, that provides a healthy opportunity to lay down perfectionism and value someone else’s area of giftedness.
With the advent of technology: I-pod, i-pad, i-phone, we have become focused on self. I call it the unholy trinity – me, myself, and I. We have exalted man when God should be exalted. We have confused a biblical way of life with a humanistic one and adopted man’s thinking instead of reading, searching, and applying God’s Word to every area of life. Rather than denying self, picking up our cross and following Jesus, we are a people who are seeking to improve and esteem the self, leading away from Christian discipleship and the empowering role of the Holy Spirit.
Scripture tells us to view others as more highly than ourselves (Philippians 2:3). People with high regard for others seek opportunities to serve, to model servanthood, and to look for opportunities to meet a need. May I encourage you to do this with your children. We also see in Psalm 139:14, where God tell us that we are “fearfully and wonderfully made.” Tell your children this! Equally encouraging, how does it make your child feel when you share the verse that God knows the number of hairs on his very head (Luke 12:7)? As you brush your child’s hair, tell her this! In Mark 10:13-16, we see that Jesus said, “Let the children come to me for the kingdom of God belongs to those like these children.” In other words, Jesus values children. Additionally, there are 37 verses in Scripture that tell us we are made in God’s image; Genesis 1:26 is one of those verses. Made in God’s image means that we are made to reflect God. We are image bearers - may we think in a way, speak in a way, act in a way that calls attention to the brightness of the glory of God and Who He is!
When helping your child gain a proper perspective of himself or herself, discuss those truths and those verses I listed. Develop your own list! Best of all, God loved (your child’s name) so much that He sent Jesus to die on the cross for the payment of his/her sin. That’s how valuable God thinks your child is…and you are! God paid the highest possible price (the life of His Son) to redeem (child’s name) from eternal separation from Himself. This is the ultimate identity of value and worth. Speak this truth into your child’s life. Speak the Gospel!
As children learn to develop their true identity in what God says about them and grasp that their worth is not rooted in how they perform, their grades, or their talents, but in their relationship with God; and when they learn what God says about them, they will begin to develop a biblical and proper view of self - one that is based on the Truth of Scripture, not one fashioned from being self-centered or self-esteemed. It will be one that is grateful to the Giver of talent, skills, abilities, and one that reflects the image of their Creator. We are stewards of the gifts that God has entrusted to us, and that is a healthy view of oneself…especially, when we use those gifts to invest in the lives of others to the glory of God!
