First Things First - Your Marital Relationship
I am not telling you anything that you don’t already know. Your marriage is priority number one. With the busyness of life, it seems as though this relationship can easily get put on the back burner, simmering away until a crisis happens, demanding your attention. Dear Mom and Dad, I want to encourage you to invest in this covenantal relationship with daily intentionality.
I know all the reasons that makes prioritizing your marriage difficult. I, too, have lived those challenges. When children are infants, preschool, and elementary age, they need you to do more for them. The spacing of your children’s ages will also put demands on your time and energy. Until a child is two, he or she needs constant care as the family seems to revolve around his or her needs. However, sometimes we forget that as children get older, the parents should take back their rightful place, become the center of the family, and the children once again revolve around the marital relationship. This period of child-rearing is physically exhausting, especially for Moms.
Middle school ages require a set of new parenting skills. Listening skills and carpooling to sports and other activities become time consuming and emotionally demanding. Schedules…blessed schedules. Listening with a heart of compassion is draining. Tears flow; outbursts of anger take center stage and life seems especially difficult. Friendships are fragile. Adolescent hormones complicate things. And before you know it, your child is in high school and learning to drive; grades become more important as college entrance looms ahead. Thankfully, friendships seem to settle in and become more stable. This is a welcome relief! Life is full, laundry piles up, chores must be done on weekends, and your children and their schedules seem to require that parents ride the hamster wheel of what culture values and expects of you. If both parents work outside the home, then life gets particularly busy. I lived that life, too, so I understand the demands.
Can things be different? Can I really make marriage priority number one when you, the mom says, “My children and running the household demand so much from me…not to mention outside the home job responsibilities.” And you, the dad says, “My job or business demands my every ounce of energy, my mindset, and my emotional currency.” I would not disagree with your statements. My point is simply to get you to slow down long enough to have a conversation with your spouse and see if things need a reboot.
If you desire a change, start by scheduling 30 minutes after the children are settled for the night and discuss what each of you would like to see happen in your marriage to enhance intimacy, and here’s one caveat – no talk of the children. Is this even possible? I hope so because if not, then perhaps your children have become idols. Affirm each other and pray together. Ask how you might nurture your spouse in a way that speaks of your love and your marriage vows. Men, you lead at work; I trust you are also leading your family in a way that honors and cares for each member – your wife being your priority. And men, are you also leading in a way that makes it easy and a joy for your wife to submit to you and your leadership? Here’s the rub guys, you have two full-time jobs – one at work and one at home. The only way you can possibly fulfill these both is through the empowering of the Holy Spirit. Are you man enough to be dependent upon the Lord and humbly ask for wisdom? Good. Cherish your wife like you did when you courted her. Give selflessly like Jesus; take the children out for breakfast on Saturday morning and let her sleep, or go to the morning games and allow her to have coffee with a friend. Show your children how much you love their mother. Give, give, and then give some more! Golf? You can pick that back up after the children leave the nest.
And precious mom, clothe yourself in the fruit of the Spirit by abiding in the Vine. Remind yourself of this with a sticky note placed in a strategic location. Start your day in prayer for your husband first and then your children. Ask your husband how you can pray for him. No time? Can you spare 60 seconds? Consistency, not length of time is a rhythm that you can establish. Put the phone away, look into his eyes, and listen to his day. Be the first to welcome him home. Allow him to have emotional room for vulnerability and self-doubt. He can’t show this at work. Get out the pom poms and be his cheerleader. (Well, maybe not the pom poms.)
If possible, set aside a little get-away for a night or two. We never had family living close-by, so we depended on friends to occasionally help us, and we returned the favor. Sometimes we dog-sat for them. Whatever it takes, right? Maybe you will stay somewhere local and/or take the baby with you, if necessary. We tend to calendar everything for our children; why not calendar time with your spouse? This relationship will last long after the children have left the nest. (Sorry, I know you’ve heard that many times.) And guess what? That will happen before you know it!
One idea that might be helpful is to schedule a short calendar meeting every Sunday evening. This can include the entire family or just you and your spouse. This allows you to see the commitments for the upcoming week and who will take responsibility for what. If your children are old enough, they should be doing family chores, cleaning their rooms on the weekends, helping with meal prep, and stacking/unloading the dishwasher. Mom and Dad can linger at the dinner table for a few extra minutes and visit while the children finish their chores. Picture book? It doesn’t have to be!
If you are in a marital space that needs more than a reboot, then you might need an overhaul. Pray and be honest; seek wise counsel. Part of humbling yourself is acknowledging you’re not okay and allowing yourself to receive help. This is the most God-honoring thing you can do for your spouse and for your covenantal relationship. If you are the only one interested in seeking help, then you go. God has gifted His body with those who are able to be a third party in helping the marriage get back on track. There is absolutely no shame in seeking help and yes, one of you can be a catalyst for uprooting the weeds and enriching the soil of a healthy marriage. Jesus wants to bless our marriages as He works in our individual lives to bring this to fruition by uprooting our own weeds.
By prioritizing your marriage, you are modeling for your children. Start with being intentional as you pray with and for each other. As you calendar your week, decide if something needs to be dropped. Be mindful of how you check work e-mails and use your phone instead of investing in priority number one – your spouse. And to this, add prioritizing a good night’s sleep. Everything goes better with sleep! And we are running on fumes in this category. Please guard your sleep habits like a fierce guard dog. After prayer, it is the best way to begin your day.
