Gentle Parenting - Is It a Biblical Model?

This parenting style keeps coming to my attention. Its methodology was supposedly ‘founded’ nearly 10 years ago by Sarah Ockwell-Smith, a British mother of four and a hypnobirthing teacher with a degree in psychology. Currently it is being made popular by Becky Kennedy, a psychologist and author of the book, ‘Good Inside.’ She writes on page 4, “When you’re confident in your child’s goodness, you believe in their ability to behave well and do the right thing.” Are you catching her worldview? After researching, here are the core ideas of gentle parenting:

 Emphasizes communication and coaching rather than discipline, even for young preschoolers.

 Emphasizes an equal partnership between parent and child rather than the parent being the authority figure in the child’s life.

 Emphasizes talking and guiding through various emotions to help the child discover options as they ‘work through’ situations and feelings together.

Gentle parenting is rooted in the belief that every child is inherently ‘good,’ rather than born with a sin nature. Romans 3:10 tells us, “There is no one righteous, not even one.” Children inherently know how to lie, to throw a tantrum, exhibit selfishness, and act defiantly.

How wonderful that God has tasked parents with the authority to rear their children; to instruct them according to right and wrong. Deuteronomy 6:5-7 tells parents to teach God’s commands to their sons (and daughters) throughout the day. Gentle parenting assumes a child can be reasoned with and elevates the child to be on equal footing with parents. This is not a biblical structure of God’s design for families.

Gentle parenting does not advocate negative consequences. We see repeatedly where God responded to people’s sinful behavior with negative consequences because He cared for their souls. Moses and David are only two examples. Similarly, God established the authority structure in Ephesians 6:4 for fathers to “bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Discipline is for a child’s good, and “he who loves his son disciplines him diligently,” says Proverbs 13:24. With young children, the fewer words the parent speaks, the better. Children learn quickly through cause and effect. Once the discipline is administered, then there can be restitution and the relationship is restored.

Hebrews 12:6 says, “For those whom the Lord loves He disciplines.” In the moment, it may not feel like love, but Hebrews 12:11 speaks to that saying, “All discipline for the moment seems not to be joyful, but sorrowful; yet to those who have been trained by it, it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.” When a child sins, some training in righteousness is necessary, involving some type of loss or pain. I have seen over and over that once the sin is dealt with and the child repents, there is a tender-heartedness that returns to the child. This action clears the child’s conscience and joyfulness returns. I saw this with my own children.

Going back to Ephesians 6: 1-3, this passage tells children to “Obey your parents in the Lord for this is right. Honor your father and mother so that it may go well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.” Read that verse to your children and help them learn that their life goes well when they obey. Another translation of that verse is a “Miss Pat-ism.” She says, “When you disobey, the happiness goes away.” How true!

In contrast, here are examples I found of conversations driven by gentle parenting:  “I’m going to drop you off at school, and then I’m going to work. We need to leave on time. I expect you to be ready with your shoes on at the door when I’m ready to leave. If you’re not ready, then we’ll both be late and I will feel angry. If I get angry, you will lose privileges.”

Another example of gentle parenting might say this, “When you don’t get ready on time, it hurts my feelings and makes me anxious. Why are you having a hard time getting ready?”

Do you see the error in both scenarios?

While gentle parenting advocates respect, empathy, and communication, we would not deny that those are certainly appropriate attitudes and responses, at times. Biblical worldview parenting respects children as made in the image of God – precious and priceless and in need of training. Obviously, there is a time and place for empathy and gentleness as Christian parents. Firm and loving can go hand in hand, and as I’ve said, disciplining your child is showing love. The over-emphasize on ‘feelings’ is not helpful to a young child, and too many words can be confusing.

Key take-aways and differences: Gentle parenting –The child is on equal footing with the parent, or in some instances, leads the charge, and the parent caters to the child’s whims. Parents assist with emotional regulation to shape a child’s behavior, rather than setting a standard of obedience. The assumption is that children are born “good” so they will do the right thing. Talking is key over administering natural consequences and discipline.

Biblical parenting – The authority to rear children comes from God. Parents are God’s ambassadors to train children according to biblical principles, requiring obedience just as God requires our obedience. Rearing children is rooted in a deep love for their eternal soul/spirit. Scripture tells us that that we are all born with a sin nature and separated from God. There is no work more important than sharing the gospel with your children - the eternal hope of heaven that is found only in Jesus and His righteousness.